Random Depression Rambling.

I have been going through an unfortunate spurt of depression as of late. It has caused me to barely edit or eat. My mind wants to accomplish a lot but my body is heavy and worn. I spent yesterday lying in a ball on my floor for over six hours staring at my wall. I have not been this depressed in quite some time. I know there are thoughts in my head that I need to work through. It is okay to feel down sometimes. But I am at the point where I am just like, "Okay, Alexandra. You've felt sad for awhile. You need to knock it off now, it is getting annoying." 

The light outside is beautiful right now and my normal self would be dying to get out and shoot in it. My depressed self however is like, "Screw that, that is the last thing I want to do." 

I feel completely useless right now. Ugh, Alexandra quit this negative self talk! 

Okay, I am going to make a list of things I am grateful for right now. I am just rambling about life sucking so I need to force myself to be positive. Alright here goes.

  • I have a freaking roof over my head
  • I don't have much food but I am not going to die of starvation
  • I painted for the first time in about a year yesterday
  • I got a last minute visit from my Relief Society President
  • I had a damn good cup of tea today
  • I've drunk two water bottles so far which is more than I have been drinking the past few days
  • I got a lot of shoots done successfully
  • I got myself to shower today which was a big accomplishment
  • I know God loves me and I know that I have many people in my life who love me
  • I have air conditioning which a lot of people don't
  • My apartment is filled with beautiful roses right now
  • I am burning some great smelling incense right now
  • I got some editing done today even though I have not been motivated to do much
  • I am alive

Good. I did it. I named off quite a few great things about my life right now, even if some of them were small and lame. 

Depression sucks, people. But goodness, I am going to get through it. I got too much crap to do in this life to let a disorder control my happiness so much. If you have depression, you are not alone. You are loved and you can do this. 


Photos by me: @alexandrajane21